Welcome to 2004
Happy New Year!! Better late than never. Another year of my life has passed. A one word summation of this past year- EVENTFUL! I definitely believe the year was full of changes. Changes in appearance, relationship, self-perception, worldly perception, etc. I don't typically do the whole New Year's resolution thing. Resolutions usually go a little something like this- gung ho about whatever it is for the first few weeks of the new year, and then by february you've completely forgotten about whatever it is you said you were going to do January 1st. At this point in my life, it's no reason for me to fake the funk. I know what I will do and won't do. My overall goal every year is simply to improve- like fine wine, I too should get better with age. Growth is an uncomfortable and irritating process, hence the title of this blog, however it's a necessary evil. I have come to a few realizations over the past few weeks. Somehow the end of the year makes me reflect on events that have transpired and the types of relationships that I have formed with individuals. I've decided that it's time to let some friendships/relationships go to the wayside. I've realized that some of my friendships have sustained themselves strictly on the basis of me putting forth a tremendous amount of effort to deal with these people- often those efforts have gone unreciprocated. One of my themes for the year is reciprocity- not in an evil politician type way- just in a "don't go an invest a lot of energy in a relationship/friendship that is not valued by the other person". I'm growing weary of investing that energy. I'm by no means bitter or angry about the time that I have invested. It's taught me a lot about my expectations from people- no matter how hard I try not to have them, I do. I realize that I'm incredibly generous, compassionate, and kind to the people that I hold near and dear to my heart. I will go ridiculously out of my way for someone that I care about, and I'm also very particular about how these individuals are treated by others. It's not a side of me that I show to everyone- too often my kindness is viewed as weakness. Ultimately I know who I am and how much I'm willing to accept from people- both good and bad. I think that these friendships/relationships, whether they've been good or bad, have taught me a lot, and for that I'm grateful. Just my little reflection for the year. I really am trying to work on my cynicism, but I realize that it is a product of my experiences. I can't really do much to change what has happened and how I've been treated in the past, but I can change how I deal with those things. I think forgiveness was an overriding theme of the last month of my year. Cletus and I have started talking again- I missed that friendship a lot and I'm glad that we've gotten things back on track. He did realize that he mishandled the whole situation and that he too has some changes that ne needs to make in the way that he deals with a lot of things. I vowed that i wouldn't mention Enigma again after all that transpired the last time I did- I will stay true to that vow, however know that the situation was resolved to some extent- enough to pacify me right now. Thanks to him and actually the final sermon of the year (went to the old church at home) I realized that what she did, although I don't agree with it, wasn't inherently malicious. I forgive her for her mistake but I have also learned to what degree and extent I will involve her in my private life. I still love her, I don't think she's an awful person, but I won't put myself in that situation again. Mia and I are so ridiculously on opposite ends of the spectrum these days that I don't know how we've even sustained a relationship to this point. I love that girl and i always will. I don't ever want to see anything bad happen to her or anyone mistreat her. We've been through a lot together- cried a lot of tears, watched people leave our lives unexpectedly, dealt with sadness, triumph, and tragedy- sometimes that still isn't enough. We are basically different people and I realize now that the people that we've become are no longer compatible. We talked a lot about life, her mom, etc. and I'm glad that she's opened up to me. Sometimes I still see remenants of who she was and I remember how good our friendship used to be and I miss that. She doesn't know me and I doubt that she'll ever really understand who I've become. I'm okay with that. I'm still unsure about her role in a lot of events that have transpired in my life. Other friends of mine are still very surprised that I have well wishes for her based on the things that have transpired. Another realization i've come to is that I don't tend to stay angry about things very long. After I've assessed the situation, reacted, either confronted it or just reflected upon it- i take my lesson from it and move on. It takes way too much energy to be angry with someone- anger festers and eats away at your soul. I can't utilize my time and energy like that- it's just unproductive. Anyhow, I think i've rambled long enough. Know that there will probably be many more late night, reflective, and long entries in 2004.
Happy New Year!! Better late than never. Another year of my life has passed. A one word summation of this past year- EVENTFUL! I definitely believe the year was full of changes. Changes in appearance, relationship, self-perception, worldly perception, etc. I don't typically do the whole New Year's resolution thing. Resolutions usually go a little something like this- gung ho about whatever it is for the first few weeks of the new year, and then by february you've completely forgotten about whatever it is you said you were going to do January 1st. At this point in my life, it's no reason for me to fake the funk. I know what I will do and won't do. My overall goal every year is simply to improve- like fine wine, I too should get better with age. Growth is an uncomfortable and irritating process, hence the title of this blog, however it's a necessary evil. I have come to a few realizations over the past few weeks. Somehow the end of the year makes me reflect on events that have transpired and the types of relationships that I have formed with individuals. I've decided that it's time to let some friendships/relationships go to the wayside. I've realized that some of my friendships have sustained themselves strictly on the basis of me putting forth a tremendous amount of effort to deal with these people- often those efforts have gone unreciprocated. One of my themes for the year is reciprocity- not in an evil politician type way- just in a "don't go an invest a lot of energy in a relationship/friendship that is not valued by the other person". I'm growing weary of investing that energy. I'm by no means bitter or angry about the time that I have invested. It's taught me a lot about my expectations from people- no matter how hard I try not to have them, I do. I realize that I'm incredibly generous, compassionate, and kind to the people that I hold near and dear to my heart. I will go ridiculously out of my way for someone that I care about, and I'm also very particular about how these individuals are treated by others. It's not a side of me that I show to everyone- too often my kindness is viewed as weakness. Ultimately I know who I am and how much I'm willing to accept from people- both good and bad. I think that these friendships/relationships, whether they've been good or bad, have taught me a lot, and for that I'm grateful. Just my little reflection for the year. I really am trying to work on my cynicism, but I realize that it is a product of my experiences. I can't really do much to change what has happened and how I've been treated in the past, but I can change how I deal with those things. I think forgiveness was an overriding theme of the last month of my year. Cletus and I have started talking again- I missed that friendship a lot and I'm glad that we've gotten things back on track. He did realize that he mishandled the whole situation and that he too has some changes that ne needs to make in the way that he deals with a lot of things. I vowed that i wouldn't mention Enigma again after all that transpired the last time I did- I will stay true to that vow, however know that the situation was resolved to some extent- enough to pacify me right now. Thanks to him and actually the final sermon of the year (went to the old church at home) I realized that what she did, although I don't agree with it, wasn't inherently malicious. I forgive her for her mistake but I have also learned to what degree and extent I will involve her in my private life. I still love her, I don't think she's an awful person, but I won't put myself in that situation again. Mia and I are so ridiculously on opposite ends of the spectrum these days that I don't know how we've even sustained a relationship to this point. I love that girl and i always will. I don't ever want to see anything bad happen to her or anyone mistreat her. We've been through a lot together- cried a lot of tears, watched people leave our lives unexpectedly, dealt with sadness, triumph, and tragedy- sometimes that still isn't enough. We are basically different people and I realize now that the people that we've become are no longer compatible. We talked a lot about life, her mom, etc. and I'm glad that she's opened up to me. Sometimes I still see remenants of who she was and I remember how good our friendship used to be and I miss that. She doesn't know me and I doubt that she'll ever really understand who I've become. I'm okay with that. I'm still unsure about her role in a lot of events that have transpired in my life. Other friends of mine are still very surprised that I have well wishes for her based on the things that have transpired. Another realization i've come to is that I don't tend to stay angry about things very long. After I've assessed the situation, reacted, either confronted it or just reflected upon it- i take my lesson from it and move on. It takes way too much energy to be angry with someone- anger festers and eats away at your soul. I can't utilize my time and energy like that- it's just unproductive. Anyhow, I think i've rambled long enough. Know that there will probably be many more late night, reflective, and long entries in 2004.
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