Growth and Maturity are irritating as a... MF

Thoughts, rants, ravings, and annoyances

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Ok so I know I've been triflin
For the two people that might actually read this blog.... I KNOW I've been triflin. There's been a lot going on these past few months and I had a busy spring and summer. Yeah I know that's no excuse.... I've come here to post at least 12 times and decided that I'd rather lurk on someone else's blog instead. I don't know what my deal has been as of late but I think I'm just in this weird space. I have had these times where I'm working my behind off at work until midnight... then days where I do absolutely nothing. I traveled a bit.... met a new guy.... rekindled and old flame..... both guys are history now, lol.... Old flames should always stay extinguished and the new guy as wonderful as he is.... we can never be. We've got some major religious differences. My Pollyanna view of life has long since turned from sunshine and jaybirds to reality and honestly one of us would have to make a switch and I won't ever do that. Although my faith has moved much like the ocean (ebbs and flows).... I am still a believer and i don't foresee that changing at any point in my life.
Work.... yeah next subject. I love the lobbying portion of my job. I killed my first bill.... my client loves me and thinks I hung the sun and the moon. As far as the day to day... I'm tremendously unfulfilled to the point that I'm seriously wanting to make a career change but don't know the first place to start in doing so. I did receive a job offer doing something that I would likely detest with much better hours and a $25,000 increase in pay..... Money isn't everything. I used to think I do something I hated if the price is right.....I can't. Additionally it would involve me moving back home and that's definitely something I'm not ready to do. I want to stay here and see if I can stick it out and make a name for myself doing something that I enjoy. I'm probably one the most initially shy people that you'll ever meet and I'm intensely afraid of rejection. I think it holds me back from so much and that's something that I'm seriously trying to work on. My Mom is such an outgoing people person and I got Dad's personality.... social when necessary or comfortable. I swear I'm trying ya'll.....
Health..... still dealing with some health issues and wondering how much more of this I can really take. I swear 'fore God that I feel like some days I'm going to lose my mind. I can't really blame anyone but myself because honestly I'm not doing what I should be doing. I think I'm ignoring the problem in hopes that it will just take care of itself and that's just stupid. I'm believing God for my miracle but i'm not doing much to be proactive and that's got to change. On another note.... I have started exercising and watching what I eat on a regular basis. I've got a trainer and I'm stuck with her for a year..... I hope at this point next year I can have a different report.
Life generally.... it really isn't that bad. I feel like I'm pushed and pulled in so many directions that I simply don't have a direction anymore. Some days I just want a glimpse into what my life should be.... just a small glimpse of what things will look like in 20 years... will I love my job... be taking my son or daughter off to college..... I mean what's the deal?? Will I have that wonderful husband that I'm statistically supposed to never find.... will my parents actually get to meet their grandkids.... how much longer do i have with them and my grammy? I know that God has a plan for my life..... I guess I just don't have any idea what it is and where I'm supposed to be in it. I feel like everyone around me is being blessed tremendously and I'm trying to keep my head right about it.... and be genuinely happy for them all. They are good people and they deserve to be happy.... I just need to know if some of it is coming my way anytime soon. I swear the older I get the less I understand... I wanna be 5 again....

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Spelman: 125 Years of Women Who Change the World

Spelman thy name we praise...... I remember the first time I heard those words and they actually meant something special and important to me. It was at 4am in sweltering Sister's Chapel... as I stood around watching my sisters as the candlelight shone on their faces I knew that I had entered into something special. I knew that this place... Dear Spelman would be a place that I would come to love and cherish. Spelman is where my story began and although I have yet to discover an ending I have to thank her for the role she played in helping me to become the woman that I am today. I have to thank her for allowing me to encounter and befriend the D.I.V.A.S (Divine Inspirational Virtuous Anointed Sisters) -four of the most amazing women on the planet and my sisters for eternity(Tdizzle, Mal, Sharla, and Dirht). I don't know if I've ever told her how much I grew while I was there, how many wonderful experiences I had within her gates... how hard I worked while I was there, how many moments I cried and laughed, how many friends and lasting friendships I gained. Spelman I truly love you and celebrate all 125 glorious years of your existence.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Everything Changes.............
I am about the only person I know who starts a blog entry and waits a doggone MONTH to finish it..... I've been meaning to get back to this for a while because there are some things that I just wanted to say and go ahead and put out there. I think this whole post was inspired by the fact that an AJC blog that I discovered a year and some days ago has undergone some serious changes.......I might be on a whole stream of consciousness thing today so bear with me on this.... I'm a different person than I was two years ago yet so many of the things that I truthfully love about myself are still there...... I think i'm slowly learning how to let go of the those negative habits-- the negativity, the pessimism, the skepticism, only having faith when things go my way. I'm truly trying to be better, and it's such a humbling experience. I just wrote an email to a former friend asking her forgiveness for my part in the breakdown of her relationship. That was such a difficult thing to do because she hurt me so much in the past and caused such strife in so many of my other relationships. I feel like it's a sign that maybe I'm growing up.... maybe just maybe I'm learning what it truly means to walk with God..... maybe just maybe i'm shedding that spoiled kid, everything must go NJE's way or the highway attitude......... It's time to make some changes.....
05 definitely produced some of the greatest triumphs and most heartwrenching personal losses that I have ever known in my 25 years on this planet. I'm slowly learning that somewhere in between all your plans life happens..... and your good, bad, and ugly choices all have consequences and reprocussions. It's something that I've always known, always heard, but never really listened to until this past year. I'm becoming an adult..... a responsible adult...... one that doesn't want to have to learn every lesson in life the hard way. I know one thing.... and something that I will always remember.... God Changes things, there is no obstacle, no issue, no health problem, no man-made strife, that's too big for him and that faith in him and his power will be what sustains me from now until forever...... I will leave 06 and go into 07 with a powerful testimony of what God has done in my life and this I know....... I said this would definitely be a stream of consciousness post.... and true to form it is.......these were just some things that were on my mind, in my heart, and within my spirit to share........
I hope ya'll all had a wonderful New Year.......Happy 06 (like 18 days late.... but still, I said it)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

So yeah I know I've been gone for a while...............
So I think I forgot this blog existed for a second...... life has been a little hectic to say the least..... moving to a new city, adjusting to the new job and playing the waiting game.....I took the big quiz (i.e. the bar exam) back in July........

So here's the rundown:
  1. The Bar Exam.................I PASSED!!!!!! I found out on October 14, 2005 at approximately 11:55A.M.... that all that damn time I spent slaving in law school actually meant something because I am now qualified to practice law in the state of Tennessee
  2. The Job.......things are going well. I had a busy period... rolled into work on Thursday morning at 8:30A.M. and found out I had to have a bag packed and be at the airport to go to Dallas in order to meet with a client for NINE HOURS!!!! I know i'm young but a sista's body be weary after doing stuff like that...... other than that.... trips back to Memphis from time to time, legislative affairs meetings, and hearings from time to time........all else is well
  3. The as of November 30, 2005.... I'm a homeowner. I signed my life away in blood along with an ovary, my first born, and my right arm to the mortgage company..... Good lawd it was a lot of paperwork and they wanted EVERYTHING from where my parents, sister, god momma's sister's cousin twice removed..... whole nine.... I was like dang... ya'll are going to make damn sure i pay for this house
  4. Adjusting to Cashville........ I'm having a good time thus far..... i have some fabulous sorors in town that are just great. I'm still actively searching for my spots...... i.e. places where I enjoy the people, atmosphere, etc..... I haven't gotten involved in an alumni chapter here for Spelman or my sorority but that will soon be coming.... all in all the people are pretty decent and the city isn't horrible. I'm still on the quest for the perfect hairdresser and hopefully I'll find her before these stylists take my hair out.
  5. Man front..........don't want one, ain't looking, not on the market, not even entertaining potential candidates.... i'm just not feeling it thus i'm not interested in wasting anyone's time including my own
  6. Spirituality..............I've been tremendously blessed.... still dealing with a couple of life changing issues but I really am trying to work on my relationship with God and striving to be a better person and ultimately the woman he wants me to be. I am on the cusp of joining a church's a very large church and I've honestly never been into the mega-church thing but I love the minister and the message I receive every week and I honestly look forward to going.

I will begin to post again sometime in the near future........there have been so many things I've wanted to say and so much on my mind but I just haven't taken the time to write it down.........the regular blogging will resume.. I can't promise every day but I'll make the effort.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Breaking Down.........
I've had my fair amount of work to do in the past few days and that's been a little hectic for me but I'm making it. What I'm dealing with right now is still trying to grapple with the victims from Hurricane Katrina and what to do to really help them. I haven't posted in a while and definitely not about Hurricane Katrina and how it's affecting the people on the Gulf Coast because I just didn't know what to say. I have had my fair share of issues in life as of late... some pretty major ones that are going to affect my life for a while but I feel absurd even complaining or worrying about my issues with what's going on with these people. It used to be that I would literally break into sobs almost everytime I watched the television coverage... especially if I'd see children or elderly suffering. I just couldn't take it.....I often come of as a hard a$$ but I'm so much more sensitive than people will ever know and it just hurt my soul to see people like this.
Well it happened again today. My friend Tina sent me copies of some of the pictures from New Orleans. She warned that they were graphic but I was not mentally or emotionally prepared for what I saw. As I'm typing my eyes are misting up. The way these people died is just inhumane. I've seen animals treated better and it breaks my heart to know that someone had to spend their last moments on this earth in so much pain and desperation. My heart aches for these departed souls and their families. I pray that they find some comfort in the arms of an angel......
My mood suddenly transforms from solemn to enraged.......When do we say enough!!!! When do we start to feel some compassion for these people and do more than give a one time donation or a couple of cases of water!!! I don't know what to do to help but I plan on volunteering with the Red Cross yet still I feel like this just isn't enough. There are poor people all over this country.... there are people who are just trying to make it. As I walk down the streets of Nashville in my tailored suit and pearls I see them everyday. There's a homeless woman who is one of the most articulate people that I've ever encountered and seeing her makes me want to cry. I give her money everytime she asks because I feel like I'd want someone to do the same for me. She hasn't always been homeless..... and it really is by the grace of God that I'm not in her shoes. I just don't know what it takes. What does it take to make some kind of sweeping changes so we don't have people in this country suffering. There are 37 million people below the poverty line yet I suspect that if you go to any city in this country you'll find people there with more money in their bank accounts than their next four generations of relatives could even hope to spend. Yes you deserve to keep your money and enjoy its benefits but damn--- can you help somebody, can you stop thinking about getting more, having more, spending more.... for 2.5 friggin seconds and just do something ... anything for somebody. The selfishness has got to end.... I don't know who is going to do it, how it's going to happen or what it's going to take but I can't stand it anymore. There's a fire in my soul.... it won't be extinguished until I can personally be a part of the solution.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

So you're officially grown.......
This is a moment I've been dreading for a while. For the past 3 years I've lived somewhere in limbo between adulthood and young adulthood... I've had many of the benefits of being an adult yet still had to deal with someone else censoring my actions to an extent. Don't get me wrong... my folks are wonderful people but it's hard for them to look at me as being an adult. I've started my new job... when people ask what I do I can no longer tell them I am a student... no I'm an attorney and prayerfully soon I'll be NJE, Esq. It's amazing, frightening, and exciting all in the same breath. I'll soon have a mortgage, car note, cable bills.... no longer will someone else be footing the bill.... it is all on me. There is something liberating and frightening about making your own decisions in life. You're the only one to blame if they turn out to be bad ones yet if they're great it shows some signs that you may be slowly maturing to the person that you're meant to be. Lord knows I've made enough bad decisions in life so this new found freedom is something that I have to be careful with. I'm really making a concerted effort to look to God as my guiding force and honestly do and be what he would have me to be. So many changes going on in my life these days but I do feel comfort in knowing that it will be alright in the end. So yeah... i'm officially grown, so now what?

Monday, July 18, 2005

What About your Friends:
Can We truthfully have genuine friendships with the opposite sex?

I know this title is reminiscent of an ABC after school special title and the old TLC song but damn.... I had a flashback moment. I really felt compelled to write about this after a convo with Spelmal and the Ex Factor (we are so just friends and I really do mean that.... wholeheartedly).
On first glance my answer to this question would be an emphatic yes. Why shouldn't we be able to have enduring, lasting friendships with the opposite sex. Yes men and women can be friends.... I completely agree. My best friend is a guy that I've known since I was 9. No one but my parents understands me more wholly and completely than he does. I say all of this to say... there's a BUT up in here!!!!!

The BUT is the fact that at a very basic level I'm somewhat suspicious of a man with too many female friends. I know I know that everyone on the planet would say that this seems to point to a sincere problem in our relationship... that trust is missing... that if I really trusted my man (fictional.... come on now) wholly and completely that this wouldn't bother me. Yeah... Bullsh*t. I don't care how much I trust the man I deal with it's women that I don't trust. Yeah I am a woman.... and that's why I say that. Some of ya'll might say ok Legal Diva (AKA Natjaq).... don't you think you're being a little paranoid... don't you think you're not giving your man enough credit... don't you think.... blah blah blah .... bottom line- he is not the one I'm per se worried about. I have seen females get under a good man's skin.... get in the midst of their relationships... place seeds of doubt about the current girl... and boom the next thing you know your man is chillin in someone else's space. Now I'm not saying that this is all so much likely to happen but what I am saying is that everyone you call a friend doesn't necessarily only have that type of relationship in mind. Now... that being said let me break it down for you. I believe that out of all of the opposite sex friends someone might possess this is the break down:
The Ex's
40% are ex's: by ex's I mean people you use to mess with, date, or were in any way romantically involved with.... there could be no vestiges of romantice feeling left... but 9 times out of 10 it will get in someone's head to want to re-kindle something......

Damn... we didn't get a chance's
2nd category is the "damn we didn't a chance's". The damn's as I call them are those that didn't always necessarily look at you as boyfriend/girlfriend potential... for some reason they placed you in the friend zone. Now when the damn's have gotten out of college or grad school, they look around and notice that pickings are slim. That maybe the things that ex'd you off the list in college or grad school aren't so important to them anymore. You are a potential..... the damn's can be anywwhere from 40%-50% of the opposite sex friends. The damn's are the most damaging to your relationship. You really don't see them as more than friends because that's all they've ever been. Much of the advice they give you is often clouded more by their own motives than what's in your best interest..... them damn's are a sneaky breed and best believe they are waiting for your current to eff up so they can put in their bid.

Real Friends
The last category is the best... the 10% of real and true honestly genuine opposite sex friends. This is the guy or girl that you clicked with immediately. You guys had the best convo the first time you met each other and it's never been about anything else but just enjoying this person. You might look at him or her as attractive but it's never been about that or like that... you might have had a mini-crush but never anything lasting. You enjoy your friendship and you don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. This is going to be the man or woman that's going to play a part in your wedding.... the one your spouse will actually like... the one that you'll be cool with forever. Your kids are going to call this person auntie or uncle (fill in the blank with the appropriate name). Yes folks this is the real friend. We all have a couple but they are few and far between.

Look at your friend pool.... I bet you 9 times out of 10 I'm somewhere close to right about this.
I figured this out also from looking at my relationship with Enigma (if you don't know who he is.... hmmmm.... short and sweet... a friend with some ambiguities... we were very close for a while but everything changes). Enigma and I went from talking at least once a week to not talking but maybe once every 3 to 4 months. I saw him at graduation.... he looked great.... but then again so did I, lol (must always compliment self from time to time.... plus i did get a lot of compliments on the new hair color, weight loss, etc.)..... everything was different. He's in a relationship and I'm happy that he's happy.... I'm wearing relationship repellant at this point in life.... i doused myself in at and bathed in that mess..... I'm allergic to relationships... don't wanna date... don't want a man.... NOTHING OF THE SORT. When I saw him it was like things were the same in some respects but so different in others. I refused to even let my mind wander or engage in convos about anything but very superficial things. I made a comment about how he irritated me some times (we were talking about something so completely different).... and then he wanted to talk about it some more. I wasn't willing AT ALL. Some things just aren't going to end positively and you need to stay away from them. Montego Bay observed us and he was like.... damn you've been through a lot with him... you have this look of being just done. I told MB that sometimes it's the way it's gotta be. Enigma and I aren't supposed to have an enduring relationship and if we are then it will re-evolve to exactly what it's supposed to be and that's it. The crew was supposed to get together for brunch the next day.... we all had too much going on... Enigma asked me to call him but before I could ever respond... he said "I know you won't.. but it didn't hurt to ask".... i told him i'd think about it but his number has long been erased from my phone. I'll never actually forget it but consciously if it's a little harder for me to remember then it's often out of sight out of mind..... I miss my friend..... but I don't miss the excess that went along with our interaction.

I stand by my statement: Growth and maturity are irritating as a..... MF....but somehow it takes that irritation and being uncomfortable in situations and in life to really become the person that you're really meant to be.