Life and the pursuit of happiness
So it's been a while since I've been here, well hey I've been busy. Nothing is really per se new, but I've been in very pensive mood for the past few days. Today this mood was further affected by an e-mail that I received from one of my college friends. Here it is:
"Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that
there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start
realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you
thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have
ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most
important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that
too, and they aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they
are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job
and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that
scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find
yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you
have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to
your ist of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and
then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your
life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy
and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that
the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and
wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed
and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to
know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted
and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and
questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money,
the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race
would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may
not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our
best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure
this whole thing out.
Okay, I thank Tina for sending this out. I decided to send this out to just about everyone that I know that's in their 20's. I feel like this is about the most relevant thing that I've read recently because I think it describes how i'm feeling about so many things. I talked to one of my guy friends earlier today. He and I had a budding romance thing going on during my Junior year of college that ended with us simply choosing to remain friends. He's really special to me and I like the subsequent friendship that has developed from our interaction. He told me how much he appreciated me and my friendship. It was really one of the best compliments that I've received in life. It's good to know that someone appreciates who and what you are to them. I've decided that I don't understand a lot of things in life right now and that bothers me to some extent. I'm growing, and learning. Each day I try to consciously improve- some days I really suck at it and other days I'm really great at it- Either way, i try. I like who I'm becoming but I'm nervous about the tasks before me. I don't know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing this summer, next year, or the year after that. I don't know where I'm going to grad school, if I'm going to get money to go, when I'm going to the take the GRE, the prep course, micro and macro econ, etc. I don't know what kind of relationship i'm destined to have, I don't know who it's going to be with, or when it will happen. I have encountered one person in life that I can see myself marrying and he's unavailable.
Recently he's added confusion to my life that maybe I do or don't need. I've always looked at him as the one that got away for a variety of reasons or the one that wasn't ready to deal. Either way, he's on the east coast and I'm in the midwest. I love the time we spend together, the conversations we have, the level of honesty that we have in our opinions, the way that I met him, the immediate spark that was there from day one, the way my heart completely stops everytime i look at him even when I don't want it to. He is the only man that has ever made me question every other relationship that I had been involved with prior to encountering him. I loved him, yes I can truly admit that I was in love with this man. Of course, I never told him that but it's the truth. Now he's back-somewhat and now we're friends go figure. He took the initiative to contact me and I don't know why. He's involved with someone else these days and if she makes him happy, great. Personally I think he's selling himself short but then again I don't know the nature of their relationship. I do want him to be happy even if it's not with me. Ultimately I have this incessant need to understand why- that's been my thing in life. I have to understand why things happen. I believe that people have motives for each and everything that they do. Part of me wants to believe that he realizes that there is something about me that he misses in his life, that he wants in his life. I know that some people would say- "duh, it's obvious that he misses his friend". I would normally be inclined to agree but the thing is, WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS- I think some sort of a friendship developed in the process but from jump it was all about us on a romantic level. I believe that often times we keep people in our lives for a variety of purposes- I just want to understand more about why he's decided to keep me around. We never seem to lose contact and trust that I'm never the one initiating it because I just don't want to go there. I can admit that there are still some feelings there- and I think that he will always have a special place in my heart but I don't want to play myself in any instance or situation as far as he's concerned. All and all I wish i could control how i feel about him but I can't. I want him to go away but then again I don't. This is my twenty something angst.
My level of procrastination is always an issue one way or the other. I've got so much work to do before Boston. That should be a good weekend and I ought to at the very least see some old friends, meet some new ones and just enjoy myself as i always do. I am me and i like me. I'm nowhere close to perfect, and I obsess about things that will often prove themselves to be quite unimportant, but I'm learning. I'm a work in progress and I think that's how I will always classify myself. I, like a fine wine, only get better with age. I'm loving the woman that I'm becoming and hope that I can always find individuals that appreciate me for the person that I am and love me in spite of- that goes for each and every kind of relationship and friendship that I develop in life. I want friends i can trust. I want a man that challenges me to be better but loves me for who I am, what I am, the love and nurturing support that I give him, my intelligence, my accomplishments, my interests, my smile, the way I look when I'm sleeping, the way I look when I awake, the children that I hope to have with him, the life that I want to enjoy with him. I want it all but I'll give it all- all of me, my energy, my efforts, my love. I don't think that's too much to ask, and I won't apologize for wanting so much when I'm willing to give so much. I do pray however that in the process of my growth and maturity that God will prepare me for that man and will prepare him as he is preparing me. I'm trying to change my outlook on my life as a whole and learn not to worry and stress the future- I can prepare for it but I can't ultimately control it. What's for me is for me and will not go past me, and in the same breath whomever is ultimately for me will not go past me. I know this goes along with the top 10 longest entries of all time but I just needed to get these things off of my chest. For some reason or another i always seem to write these incredibly long entries when I've been gone for a while. Well, tahtah for now.
So it's been a while since I've been here, well hey I've been busy. Nothing is really per se new, but I've been in very pensive mood for the past few days. Today this mood was further affected by an e-mail that I received from one of my college friends. Here it is:
"Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that
there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start
realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you
thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have
ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most
important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that
too, and they aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they
are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job
and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that
scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find
yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you
have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to
your ist of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and
then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your
life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy
and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that
the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and
wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed
and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to
know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted
and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and
questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money,
the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race
would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may
not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our
best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure
this whole thing out.
Okay, I thank Tina for sending this out. I decided to send this out to just about everyone that I know that's in their 20's. I feel like this is about the most relevant thing that I've read recently because I think it describes how i'm feeling about so many things. I talked to one of my guy friends earlier today. He and I had a budding romance thing going on during my Junior year of college that ended with us simply choosing to remain friends. He's really special to me and I like the subsequent friendship that has developed from our interaction. He told me how much he appreciated me and my friendship. It was really one of the best compliments that I've received in life. It's good to know that someone appreciates who and what you are to them. I've decided that I don't understand a lot of things in life right now and that bothers me to some extent. I'm growing, and learning. Each day I try to consciously improve- some days I really suck at it and other days I'm really great at it- Either way, i try. I like who I'm becoming but I'm nervous about the tasks before me. I don't know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing this summer, next year, or the year after that. I don't know where I'm going to grad school, if I'm going to get money to go, when I'm going to the take the GRE, the prep course, micro and macro econ, etc. I don't know what kind of relationship i'm destined to have, I don't know who it's going to be with, or when it will happen. I have encountered one person in life that I can see myself marrying and he's unavailable.
Recently he's added confusion to my life that maybe I do or don't need. I've always looked at him as the one that got away for a variety of reasons or the one that wasn't ready to deal. Either way, he's on the east coast and I'm in the midwest. I love the time we spend together, the conversations we have, the level of honesty that we have in our opinions, the way that I met him, the immediate spark that was there from day one, the way my heart completely stops everytime i look at him even when I don't want it to. He is the only man that has ever made me question every other relationship that I had been involved with prior to encountering him. I loved him, yes I can truly admit that I was in love with this man. Of course, I never told him that but it's the truth. Now he's back-somewhat and now we're friends go figure. He took the initiative to contact me and I don't know why. He's involved with someone else these days and if she makes him happy, great. Personally I think he's selling himself short but then again I don't know the nature of their relationship. I do want him to be happy even if it's not with me. Ultimately I have this incessant need to understand why- that's been my thing in life. I have to understand why things happen. I believe that people have motives for each and everything that they do. Part of me wants to believe that he realizes that there is something about me that he misses in his life, that he wants in his life. I know that some people would say- "duh, it's obvious that he misses his friend". I would normally be inclined to agree but the thing is, WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS- I think some sort of a friendship developed in the process but from jump it was all about us on a romantic level. I believe that often times we keep people in our lives for a variety of purposes- I just want to understand more about why he's decided to keep me around. We never seem to lose contact and trust that I'm never the one initiating it because I just don't want to go there. I can admit that there are still some feelings there- and I think that he will always have a special place in my heart but I don't want to play myself in any instance or situation as far as he's concerned. All and all I wish i could control how i feel about him but I can't. I want him to go away but then again I don't. This is my twenty something angst.
My level of procrastination is always an issue one way or the other. I've got so much work to do before Boston. That should be a good weekend and I ought to at the very least see some old friends, meet some new ones and just enjoy myself as i always do. I am me and i like me. I'm nowhere close to perfect, and I obsess about things that will often prove themselves to be quite unimportant, but I'm learning. I'm a work in progress and I think that's how I will always classify myself. I, like a fine wine, only get better with age. I'm loving the woman that I'm becoming and hope that I can always find individuals that appreciate me for the person that I am and love me in spite of- that goes for each and every kind of relationship and friendship that I develop in life. I want friends i can trust. I want a man that challenges me to be better but loves me for who I am, what I am, the love and nurturing support that I give him, my intelligence, my accomplishments, my interests, my smile, the way I look when I'm sleeping, the way I look when I awake, the children that I hope to have with him, the life that I want to enjoy with him. I want it all but I'll give it all- all of me, my energy, my efforts, my love. I don't think that's too much to ask, and I won't apologize for wanting so much when I'm willing to give so much. I do pray however that in the process of my growth and maturity that God will prepare me for that man and will prepare him as he is preparing me. I'm trying to change my outlook on my life as a whole and learn not to worry and stress the future- I can prepare for it but I can't ultimately control it. What's for me is for me and will not go past me, and in the same breath whomever is ultimately for me will not go past me. I know this goes along with the top 10 longest entries of all time but I just needed to get these things off of my chest. For some reason or another i always seem to write these incredibly long entries when I've been gone for a while. Well, tahtah for now.
