Ok so I know I've been triflin

For the two people that might actually read this blog.... I KNOW I've been triflin. There's been a lot going on these past few months and I had a busy spring and summer. Yeah I know that's no excuse.... I've come here to post at least 12 times and decided that I'd rather lurk on someone else's blog instead. I don't know what my deal has been as of late but I think I'm just in this weird space. I have had these times where I'm working my behind off at work until midnight... then days where I do absolutely nothing. I traveled a bit.... met a new guy.... rekindled and old flame..... both guys are history now, lol.... Old flames should always stay extinguished and the new guy as wonderful as he is.... we can never be. We've got some major religious differences. My Pollyanna view of life has long since turned from sunshine and jaybirds to reality and honestly one of us would have to make a switch and I won't ever do that. Although my faith has moved much like the ocean (ebbs and flows).... I am still a believer and i don't foresee that changing at any point in my life.

Work.... yeah next subject. I love the lobbying portion of my job. I killed my first bill.... my client loves me and thinks I hung the sun and the moon. As far as the day to day... I'm tremendously unfulfilled to the point that I'm seriously wanting to make a career change but don't know the first place to start in doing so. I did receive a job offer doing something that I would likely detest with much better hours and a $25,000 increase in pay..... Money isn't everything. I used to think I do something I hated if the price is right.....I can't. Additionally it would involve me moving back home and that's definitely something I'm not ready to do. I want to stay here and see if I can stick it out and make a name for myself doing something that I enjoy. I'm probably one the most initially shy people that you'll ever meet and I'm intensely afraid of rejection. I think it holds me back from so much and that's something that I'm seriously trying to work on. My Mom is such an outgoing people person and I got Dad's personality.... social when necessary or comfortable. I swear I'm trying ya'll.....

Health..... still dealing with some health issues and wondering how much more of this I can really take. I swear 'fore God that I feel like some days I'm going to lose my mind. I can't really blame anyone but myself because honestly I'm not doing what I should be doing. I think I'm ignoring the problem in hopes that it will just take care of itself and that's just stupid. I'm believing God for my miracle but i'm not doing much to be proactive and that's got to change. On another note.... I have started exercising and watching what I eat on a regular basis. I've got a trainer and I'm stuck with her for a year..... I hope at this point next year I can have a different report.

Life generally.... it really isn't that bad. I feel like I'm pushed and pulled in so many directions that I simply don't have a direction anymore. Some days I just want a glimpse into what my life should be.... just a small glimpse of what things will look like in 20 years... will I love my job... be taking my son or daughter off to college..... I mean what's the deal?? Will I have that wonderful husband that I'm statistically supposed to never find.... will my parents actually get to meet their grandkids.... how much longer do i have with them and my grammy? I know that God has a plan for my life..... I guess I just don't have any idea what it is and where I'm supposed to be in it. I feel like everyone around me is being blessed tremendously and I'm trying to keep my head right about it.... and be genuinely happy for them all. They are good people and they deserve to be happy.... I just need to know if some of it is coming my way anytime soon. I swear the older I get the less I understand... I wanna be 5 again....